I picked up a copy of the Social Skills Guidebook a few years ago because I was fed up with my life in NYC.

I wanted to make more friends and truly understand people. The only problem was, I didn’t know where to get started.

Like many other adults, I struggled with making friends after college. Seeing as I work from home, it was double the struggle!

I tried going to a couple of meetup events and different interest-based events, but every time I would meet cool people, they would eventually flake out on me.

This book helped me understand the dynamics behind planning social gatherings, talking in groups, and general social vibing.

In our society, it’s seen as weird for a man to read a book on a subject like social skills because it’s inherently not masculine. A masculine man should have it all figured out.

At first, it did feel strange to read this book in public, but over time, I developed more comfort and eventually I took a bunch of notes on the text, which I’ve shared with you below.

These notes are a small part of the text. If you’re at all interested, I urge you to pick up a copy of the Social Skills Guidebook, as it helped me!

Notes on the Social Skills Guidebook

• Moods will fluctuate a lot at first until you gain perspective on the situation and see a slow uptick of progress.
• You can engage in hobbies or professions to grow your social skills like public speaking, standup, improv, and acting.
• You don’t need the social techniques to work always or 100%. You don’t need everyone to like you. You must need to be good enough to get by and have friends who accept you for who you are. If you invite 10 people and 3 show up and they become good friends, that’s all that matters.
• Normal to feel drained with social situations. Not everyone is wired the same. Find ways to recharge and give yourself breaks.
• Anxiety is draining. Being relaxed helps.
• Work on your social muscle by staying in a situation longer.
• Being around people more often switches up what feels normal.
• You need to unlock fun around you.
• Shyness = Inhibited and uncomfortable in social situations because you’re worried how you’ll come across.
• “Sometimes they dwell on past social situations, sometimes years after the fact, and beat themselves up over things they supposedly did wrong.”
• Social anxiety – fear of how you’ll come across to other people.
• Avoidance cements the belief that you dodged something that was “truly dangerous.”
• Your mood and emotions will influence your thoughts and rationalizations.
• Insecurity: having a low opinion of your own value (particularly in social situations).
• Assuming other people won’t like you, and that your flaws will keep you from meeting your goals.
• Thoughts will run through your mind to second-guess your actions.
• Feel insecure about your value to the other person.
• Signs of insecurity: fear of saying the wrong thing. Shy/unconfident. Trying too hard to please people or get their approval. Bragging too hard. Overreacting to signs of rejection.
• Pessimism: Counter-productive mindsets or beliefs. Self-Sabotaging behavior where you don’t try.
• You will never be self-assured 100 percent of the time.
• “Even if you seem to have your shyness and insecurities under control, you may go through a stressful period in your life that makes them flare up again.”
• Be comfortable with showing your issues if they happen. It’s you. Caring less will help.
• Even if you seem to have your shyness and insecurities under control, you may go through a stressful period in your life that makes them flare up again.
• At times, you’ll have worried, insecure, or counter-productive thoughts even if you use techniques to make them go away.
• You will make mistakes, be rejected, and look bad in social situations. It’s about percentages, not absolutes.
• It’s okay to occasionally show signs of your issues.
• Cognitive distortions are misleading and irrational thoughts that sustain your problems.
  • Emotional reasoning. Because I’m feeling X, it is X. I’m nervous, therefore it’s scary and hard.
  • Jumping to negative conclusions. Mind reading. Fortune telling. When you just know without evidence.
  • Black and white thinking.
  • Overgeneralizing
  • Cherrypicking
  • Magnification/magnification
  • Unrealistic “should” expectations.
• Counter-productive beliefs
• Identify country productive thoughts and beliefs. Examine them. Challenge them and come up with an alternative.
• You should assume your thoughts on socializing are somewhat skewed if you’re introverted.
• What are the consequences of holding a thought or belief?
• Logically debunk unhelpful thoughts.
• Minds are thought generators. Some are useful and valid, but others are mental noise.
• You’ll never stop having undesirable thoughts, but with practice you can get better at not reacting to them.
• Dealing with anxiety. Ride it out. Deal with the thoughts that are contributing to it. Distract yourself. Meditation. Music. Exercise. Attention on current moment.
• “Sometimes you’ll have a fear or belief that you logically know is inaccurate, but it still feels true and limits your behavior. Your mind won’t give much weight to conclusions you come to. It responds much more strongly to real-life evidence. It has past experiences to show the belief is reasonable.”
• Real-life feedback will gradually help overwrite unhelpful beliefs.
• Use bite-sized steps to get real life experience.
• The relevant thing is facing fear, not the outcome of the situation.
• Social confidence is linked to self-esteem and self-confidence
• Increasing self-esteem: Lower your expectations. Have more empathy and compassion for yourself.
• Question negative messages you’ve received about your value as a person.
• Self-esteem comes through actions, behaviors, and accomplishments.
• Treating yourself with respect. Standing up for rights. Taking ownership of everything.
• Body language. Positive affirmations. Treat yourself.
• If you’re anxious, insecure, intimidated, or self-conscious, it will affect your socializing skills.
• You can’t make every interaction go well. You won’t have enough in common with everyone you meet and sometimes the other person will be grouchy.
• Sometimes you will give someone the opportunity to discuss a topic more interesting to them or vice versa. It’s okay to push a conversation in a certain direction.
• As long as you’re allowing the other person to contribute, it’s not self-absorbed to reveal yourself and share your interests, personality, senes of humor, and values.
• Don’t be always agreeing and not yourself or you won’t get anything out of it.
• Public places where people go to socialize like a club or bar fall in between. You have implicit permission to strike up a convo with those you don’t know and you can be casual, however you have to realize not everyone is going there to chat. Have to gauge.
• A connection happens when you feel you like someone and they feel the same way. Bonding with the because you share an important commonality you can’t find in just anyone. Seeing them as an ally or teammate. Not a threat or competition.
• Sometimes there is an indefinable commonality in how you approach the world.
• Surface-level topics: job, education, hobbies, interests, humor, goals, plans, etc.
• Somewhat personal: milder insecurities, flaws, doubts, quirks, slightly emotional experiences, more ambitious goals.
• Very personal: Experiences you’re ashamed of, more serious insecurities, controversial opinions, won’t feel judged.
• “Overall, discussing your emotions is seen as more vulnerable and revealing than sharing factual information. For example, telling someone that being constantly criticized by your parents made you feel sad and worthless will create more intimacy than just mentioning your mom was hard on you.”
• “If someone shares with you and you don’t disclose in kind, it disrupts the process of deepening the relationship.”
• Each person in a group throws in contribution for everyone’s benefit. Energy levels can vary. Match the energy level.
• People expected to join group of own intuition. Too much work to help.
• Speak as much as everyone else. Avoid lots of silence. Don’t be afraid to say something inappropriate or wrong. Feeling like have nothing worth sharing will keep you back.
• It’s not a knock against you if you can’t chip in. Try bringing up new subjects. Or group isn’t good fit.
• Loud group convos become immature and show-offish.
• Loud, scattered, vying for attention. Enjoy the vibe and being with your friends at once.
• They want to talk. Rather it be them than you.
• Speak with enough volume so can’t be talked over. Hold hand up. “woah woah, not done.” Humor or creative language will make people more interested in hearing from you.
• In tight-knit group, they will make lots of inside jokes and references to past experiences. It’s easy and fun for them to stick to the familiar. Join or get them to change.
• emotional empathy is picking up on other’s emotions and having right response in feelings. Cognitive empathy is when you logically get inside someone’s head and take on their perspective.
• People know how to control and disgust nonverbal skills to be polite.
• Emotions are mainly communicated through facial expressions
• Eye contact = confident, interested, trustworthy. Less eye contact = discomfort, distraction, shiftiness.
• Body looks relax is sign they’re feeling comfortable and accepting. Closed is tense and protective.
• We’re more touchy with people that we like and are close to and are hands off whne the relationship is more formal.
• We point our feet where we want to go.
• Less approachable is when someone appears in their own world. Takes more effort.
• Sign of disinterest or discomfort = tired, disengaged facial expression, going through the motions.
• Give people time to get used to you.
• Nervousness = laughing too much at small jokes or when people wouldn’t normally.
• Stick to safe routine topics when someone feels nervous to make it easy for them to answer.
• Do not be overages or aloof
• People avoid eye contact because they feel it is too intense or intimidating. Start with sales people or clerk to ease into it. Look into the mirror.
• If you watch popular people socialize, they often aren’t saying anything interesting or clever, but because they’re speaking with conviction, everyone around them finds them compelling.
• Speak clearly, don’t mumble. Don’t speak too quickly or rush to get your point out.
• Some less-confident people slump their shoulders because they feel defeated or don’t believe in themselves enough to walk tall.
• Confident people are comfortable talking up a reasonable share of space.
• Individuals vary in which social mistakes bother them. Our friendships are determined by the mistakes we don’t mind or find endearing in others.
• People’s personalities are defined by minor, mostly tolerated mistakes they tend to make. “Yep, that’s __ always doing ___.”
• You can ask people “did I tell you about the time ___” in order to see if they want to hear a story.
• Sometimes, I speak too bluntly. Don’t correct people about minor things as it makes you look uptight and pedantic.
• Nice = I don’t dislike them as a person, but they’re not for me. Blad. Not enough edge for my taste. People pleaser. Being overly thoughtful and considerate to get people to spend time with you.
• Ways to be edgy: swearing, tasteless jokes, skipping things, drinking/smoking, dressing provocatively with tattoos, flaunting authority in small ways.
• Friendship circles sort themselves biased on edginess levels.
• People don’t place a huge amount of value on above and beyond niceness.
• People place emphasis on similar interests and values. Same sense of humor. If they have fun together.
• People don’t like too many favors because it makes them feel obligated.
• Fun people are enjoyable to be around.
• People can be in different social modes
• Don’t say, “we’re just going to hang around and do nothing.”
• Be more spontaneous and daring than usual.
• Don’t be picky about what’s required to be entertained.
• Don’t bring up depressing or heavy topics.
• Don’t be too stingy with money.
• People like when they can let loose without feeling judged.
• Assertiveness = look out for your rights and needs.
• Passive communication = having trouble saying no. Not speaking up to share opinion or preference. Going along with what other people want.
• Building resent leads to passive aggressiveness. Get your needs met through indirect or manipulative means.
• Loneliness can really eat away at your happiness and sense of self-worth
• Lonely people often see their lives as a sign how how unbroken they are
• Just a symptom of lifestyle and social habits that aren’t good for meeting people
• Everyone goes through lonely patches if they don’t have behaviors that let them make friends
• Someone who is well liked and connected would be lonely in a new city
• Because you feel desperate about something, you think it is desperate
• You have to take attitude it’s about you and what you need to do to form relationships you want.
• Loneliness gets worse along with needing to save face.
• If you want group of friends, you have to put in all the effort
• Behaviors will reveal if people will help you meet goals or not
• Meet someone you get along with and spend enough time with them.
• Most people throw around the word friend loosely. It becomes self fulfilling prophecy
• Force self out of routine and get out more to make friends
• Meet people you have a lot in common with and types of friends you’re looking for
• Find interesting events and cultivate this skill
• If you don’t spend time with someone, you won’t form a lasting relationship
• People who don’t have great personalities still can have busy social lives because they keep arranging outings.
• How compatible would you be if you spent a longer period of time together. Can be compatible in one situation or for one length of time.
• When you suggest a plan, people have something to react to. They can accept it, be interested but want to change details, offer alternative, or turn it down.
• Doing variations of a few activities is more common than coming up with incredibly original things
• Make invite in non-pressuring tone.
• People don’t want to make future interactions awkward. They’ll make excuses, forget to reply to your written invite, or agree you should do something but never follow up.
• Figure out WHAT to do and research/plan
• Plan could fall through at any time until everyone is there.
• Don’t be tightly wound about cancelations
• People can agree to come and bail at last minute or show up late.
• It’s okay if you only see someone casually. That can be enjoyable.
• Friends happen when you fulfill unmet need in each other’s lives, click with a person, at same place in life, both available, in a situation. 
• You can maintain a relationship with texting once you’ve established a friendship but it won’t grow.
• People don’t make friends because they are lazy, shy, insecure, or have fear of rejection.
• Connection happens when disclosure of real self happens and they accept you for it. Or you share an experience or hidden quirk.
• Having shared history increases sense that you have a strong relationship
• Memorable experiences help shared history a lot
• Shared challenges. Harder to see someone as casual friend if you’ve seen their vulnerable side, had them lean on you, and empathize with their struggles.
• Try to organize a get-together that brings people together outside of the context where you met them.
• People take a while to get the picture. Help them have that image in their mind. Show that you enjoy the same activities they do.
• Group: Will become familiar with stories and private jokes over time.
• If people have a fixed idea of what you’re like, they’ll look for instances that confirm their old view and ignore what doesn’t fit.
• You may feel like an imposter. But, they don’t have to affect anything.

Don’t forget to  pick up a copy of the Social Skills Guidebook!