I picked up this book one day in Barnes and Noble just out of curiosity. Little did I realize that I’d read the whole thing cover to cover in the next two days!

The Defining Decade, by Meg Jay, PhD, shares the story of different twenty something patients that she’s helped work through a variety of issues, ranging from relationships to career paths.

She breaks down some of the major overlying truths that she’s witnessed from counseling twenty somethings, along with some of the misconceptions about that decade from 20 to 30.

Personally, I identified with a lot of the points that she brought up throughout the book.

I’ll be highlighting some of the key takeaways below.

I’m also going to give my thoughts on living in your 20s, because I think that every good book is just the start of an important conversation.

I invite you to leave a comment to share your thoughts with me!

When I turned 20

At the time of writing this post, I’m 24. I turned 20 the summer before my junior year of college in 2011.

That previous semester, I had newly discovered my love of economics and business. During the summer, I stayed in Washington, DC to work at an internship, where I was a part of an organization that helped women entrepreneurs get access to badly needed tools, advice, and capital.

I was also working on a small business at the time, which didn’t work out, and learning a lot about value investing.

During my first semester of my junior year, I studied abroad in London, where I traveled around a bit, but also won first place in the London’s Rising Star competition (with teammates), which made me realize that maybe I could be an entrepreneur some day. This was the first time I met real entrepreneurs in person.

I then came back to usa and got to work. I worked on several different tech startup products and interned at a tech startup. There was a lot of work going on in my life at that time, but it didn’t feel like work.

My main focus in my 20th year was:

• Learning as much as possible about this new thing called entrepreneurship.
• Getting involved again in my community service fraternity at the time.
• Working out a lot to get a six pack (which I lost in London) and grow my muscles.

A big part of what made me feel stable and well rounded during this time was being a part of the community service fraternity, which I highly recommend any college student who wants to do good work and also feel like part of a family. I also had my next serious relationship.

When I turned 21

I actually have a diary entry from the days before my 21st birthday. I’ll include it below (remember, I was a youngin!)

Yes, those seem like ridiculous goals looking back. But, I actually did get my body fat down to 8-10% again with my exercise goals and I did grow the projects I was working on, but then, they didn’t work out in the end.

I think it’s extremely telling of my state at that time that I was willing to do “whatever it took” to acquire something, when in reality, I now would never make the mistake of doing something that put friendships or a relationship in jeopardy. Life is too short.

I also have no idea why I came up with the $5 million figure. I think it’s because I reasoned that $1 million lasts about 20 years, so $5 million would mean I wouldn’t have to work ever again.

Anyway, during the first half of my 21st year, I worked to grow the projects I was working on. I also had an internship at a media company that summer, which would later inform my thinking when I started a media company of my own.

The second half of my 21st year was more scary, because I realized that I had to get a job. So, my cofounder and I put our startup on hold to start making websites for clients to begin to generate a revenue stream.

I started to consider applying for jobs. The web development business started picking up.

When my parents saw that I was generating revenue, they suggested that I continue the venture full-time after I graduated. Since they are conservative, that was a big recommendation, so I started taking the business more seriously.

I went on 1 job interview in total (I had gotten good at selling myself and the value of my skills) and was offered a job at the company for a pretty decent pay for a college graduate (little over 50k).

But, I realized that I wouldn’t ever have this shot to build my company, so I turned it down, to the shock of many people, and committed to going full speed ahead building my company.

My main focus on the 21st year was:

• Growing my new business
• Figuring out what I really wanted after college
• Where I wanted to go after college (nyc)

I had made a lot of friends from being in a community service fraternity in college, so that sense of belonging continued, and I was dating a girl at the time.

When I turned 22

And here’s another diary entry, from right after I turned 22 (don’t judge)!

What I basically said in these entries is that I’m taking my fate into my own hands. I was no longer trying to build a tech startup with a partner. My main goal was to grow a business I was working on using my own skills. I was, however, working with my partner on the service-based biz we started in college.

I became a bit more realistic, saying that I wanted to work for myself full time by the end of that year. At the time, I was also working part-time for a friend.

I spent the next 6 months working to grow my business and do a good job working for my friend.

Here is a key point, though. The business that I was working on myself was actually more of a side project initially. It was, quite literally, my passion. I never thought it would go anywhere.

I wrote this entry my first month in NYC. I had moved to NYC right after college. I had very little money to my name and very little prospects. But, I had a hell of a lot of passion and conviction.

At the end of the first half of that year, I had to stop working part-time (my friend was selling his business). I also had a nasty breakup. In addition, the business I had cofounded with my partner in college had fallen apart and he took a job offer.

I was forced to go full-time on my own business.

The next six months were spent cranking out work, living cheaply, and dreaming of work in my sleep.

I started to see that the more impact I made on other people’s live and the more helpful and useful I was in general, the better my business was starting to do.

My main focus on the 22nd year was:

• Figuring out how to survive in NYC
• How to get serious about this side project I was working on

One notable absence is that my 22nd year was not about having fun or developing positive relationships or even taking care of myself. I ate a lot of bad food, though I kept up my exercise routine.

When I turned 23

Oh boy. This was an emotional journal entry, but I think it’s worth sharing. I’m not sharing these journal entries to show off my thoughts or something. It’s so that someone else can relate if they are in the same stage of life.

Don’t judge!

I went on to say that I need to be a better friend and learn to separate stress in business and my social life.

One major highlight is that I was making it on my own.

As I went into my 23rd year, my main focus was on keep doing what worked. Keep being helpful. Keep creating useful things for other people, and finding ways to monetize it.

I was still in “tech startup” mindset, meaning that I was very focused on work to the exclusion of everything else.

It did pay off, and my business started to grow. I also found an area of NYC that I really loved and could call home, after bouncing around different parts for a while.

Something was about to happen though that would completely change my mindset on life.

I got injured. I ended up fracturing the bones around my eye and had a horrible hospital experience.

You might think this would get me down about my life, but it actually had the opposite effect.

The first week after recovery (total recovery was a month), I was putting in 8 hour days again, and loving it!

I won’t lie, part of it was because of spite and anger, like a little thing like an injury could keep me from achieving my dreams, but 90% of it was positive. I remembered that I genuinely liked work.

I was ridiculously productive and in some ways, felt like I rediscovered my passion for my work.

It was at this time, that I also started to take into account other areas of my life, aside from work, like relationships, friendships, health, and overall happiness.

I launched a few new initiatives and my business was holding steady. That summer, I had the best summer in a while.

My main focus in the 23rd year:

• Work in the first half of the year, balance and rediscovering passion in the second half.
• Started learning again.
• Starting to form new relationships and friendships.

I think my most important discovery at the age of 23 is that I am not invincible and that I’m not immortal. It doesn’t make sense to try to achieve some abstract dream or image sold by the media or our own desires. Real life is about doing things that you love, spending time with people that you love and enjoying the moment

I also started learning again, which I had stopped doing since college. I don’t mean just learning in my industry, but learning and reading across the board about topics that fascinate me.

Education shouldn’t stop with college. I get a lot of happiness out of learning new things that help me grow in life or help others grow.

When I turned 24

Strangely enough, I did not write a journal entry when I turned 24. But I remember my focus being that I wanted to start to figure myself out.

I really wanted to start to figure out what makes me happy, how to establish good habits outside of work, how to continue to help people, and to always be daring!

I remember that I had a saying when I just turned 20 that I wanted to “court serendipity,” which is another way of saying stumble into random, but fortuitous events.

24 has really been about figuring out who I am and who I want to be outside of work.

What I’ve learned

Now that I look back on it, my 20s so far have been about my work life. It took me 4 years to really figure out what I’m good at, what I’m passionate about, and how I can add value to other people’s lives.

I don’t think it had to take 4 years to realize that. I could have probably realized that in 2 years if I had engaged in rapid learning. I had no idea this whole online working world existed until recently.

I do, however, think that it took a major event for me to realize that I need to grow in other ways, both emotionally and spiritually.

Different things come naturally to different people. For me, work and setting goals has always come very naturally and I’ve always loved it, but I would hate figuring out things in other areas of my life, like making new friends, having balance, and having good habits.

I realize that I’ve probably made the early part of my 20s more difficult for myself than they had to be, because I wanted to start my own business, but then again, everyone has difficult goals, no matter what they are.

Overall, I think your 20s are about figuring out who you really are and how to “program” or manage your own emotions. Also, they’re about figuring out how to get what you want in life. Many people are definitely more advanced than I am in these regards.

I’ve found there is no real plateau. You’re never going to reach your best self, because the more you grow, the more you push your boundaries.

It’s about the pursuit of your best self, enjoying life, and making memories with the people that matter.

I still have lots of bad habits and flawed thinking about some areas of my life, but these are my thoughts now at the age of 24.

Basic Takeaways From the Book

• It’s okay to make mistakes, just don’t spend too much time on a mistake. Move on.
• Every problem was once a solution (habits).
• We worry too much about how our lives look on social media.
• We think too much about what we’re “supposed” to be doing in our 20s
• We should think more about our dating life.
• You are deciding your life right now.

More than anything, during these years, the three things that have held true as pillars in my life are: following things that I’m passionate about, continually learning and working to be more, and getting lost in the moment with friends or during activities (not having a plan).

The more I experience, the clearer I get a picture of what everything is all about. I hope some of my experiences and thoughts are helpful in some way to others out there in their 20s.